the story of jennifer wilde

Cello Madness at the Makeout Room

2009-04-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've seen quite a lot of concerts over the years, at both small and large venues. Last month I attended Cello Madness at the Makeout Room in San Francisco (in the Mission District). It was an event very unlike most concerts, and one I am going to see again.

I walked in and four cellists and a violinist were setting up chairs in a circle in the middle of the club. The audience was arrayed around them. The whole event had the feeling of being in on a working session. Each player was asked to lead a song, to give a theme and a key. None of the music was rehearsed. Each piece had its own color and tone. There were elements of classical music, of country, of Irish, and of modern music. Other musicians trickled in: three more cellists, another violinist and an upright bassist. More chairs were found, the circle widened, the music broadened.

I walked away feeling very inspired. I hope I get to a point where I could plug into a circle of cellists and be able to hold my own. Here are some recordings I made with my iPhone:

contrast-and-dissonance.aiff (one of my faves)
funk-sparkle-foreplay.aiff (named for words shouted from the audience)
happiness-and-sadness.aiff
Perpetual-motion.aiff
pizzicato.aiff
d-and-c.aiff
getting-in-the-mood.aiff

There is another night of cello madness tomorrow night, April 27, again at the Makeout Room. I hope you can join me there!

He's Just Not that Into You

2009-04-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

Saw this movie last week. It was very well done, smart and funny, and also poignant and, at times, cringe-worthy.

A scene from the movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScWKul0JXp8

And here is the actor, Bradley Cooper, explaining his character (the married man who couldn't make a decision):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhENFIQx0RY

There were some very good points made. At one point, the single girl comes up to her two friends (one married, one in a committed long-term relationship) and announces that she has figured it out: whenever a girl is in a situation with a guy who's a jerk, or won't commit, there is invariably a friend who says something like "oh, i knew a girl who was dating a guy just like that, and now they are happily married!" The single girl says "But that girl is the exception. In reality most of us are the rule." She was trying to point out that we all give each other false hope instead of grounding each other in reality.

I also liked the fact that it was an ensemble cast. You don't see many movies like that these days. Go see it!

My name is Calypso

2009-02-06T12:28:00.000-08:00

This Suzanne Vega song came up on shuffle. I performed this song with my friend Leslie, LONG time ago at an SSG company retreat. Those were the days! Each year we had a retreat, and the retreat included a talent show. We had some very talented folks, and I was pleased to get the opportunity to get up on stage with a friendly audience.

Leslie played guitar and I sang. I was very nervous. Hearing the song today, I am reminded of that moment. I also remember I was at a dark place in my life, although not as dark as recent years.

What I take away from the song now is the beauty of the protagonist, and the strength she showed in letting this man go, even though it would mean she would be alone again. I get pictures in my head of garden islands on the sea, a woman on the shore, standing in the wind. I might be inspired to paint that scene, in my copious spare time ;)

Calypso
by Suzanne Vega

My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
And I waken to the dawn
A long time ago
I watched him struggle with the sea
I knew that he was drowning
And I brought him into me
Now today
Come morning light
He sails away
After one last night
I let him go.

My name is Calypso
My garden overflows
Thick and wild and hidden
Is the sweetness there that grows
My hair it blows long
As I sing into the wind
My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
I tell of nights
Where I could taste the salt on his skin

Salt of the waves
And of tears
And though he,pulled away
I kept him here for years
I let him go

My name is Calypso
I have let him go
In the dawn he sails away
To be gone forever more
And the waves will take him in again
But he'll know their ways now
I will stand upon the shore
With a clean heart

And my song in the wind
The sand will sting my feet
And the sky will burn
It's a lonely time ahead
I do not ask him to return
I let him go
I let him go

Dream vs Reality

2009-02-04T20:00:00.001-08:00

I dreamed last night that a man I knew said "I love you" to me, in this terribly sweet and hushed way. The alarm went off at 6am and I promptly forgot all about it. I was toweling off in the locker room later that morning and it came back to me in a flash. I stood there for several minutes, trying to remember who it was in my dream. It never came back to me, so I guess it was someone I knew only in the dreamtime. You know, when you feel like you recognize someone, but when you wake you know you don't. All I remember is the impact of the words, the way my heart felt hot and dark at the same time.

Earlier this week I found myself on the other side of rejection. I like to think I let him down compassionately. He was a sweet man (and an amazing kisser), but it would have never worked out. I just wasn't feeling it like he was. Ahhhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like!

Through it all, I still remain a hopeFUL romantic, if more cautiously optimistic these days. Mostly, I'm enjoying being on my own. I've got plenty to occupy me what with work, and Skyler, and cello, music, and the gym. As my dad would say: "that'll keep you off the streets".

Save Me - k.d. lang

2009-02-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

This song came on this morning as I was getting ready for work, I haven't heard it in a couple years. It has such a languid guitar, and her vocals are sooo smooth. Lyrics are good too :)

Save Me
k.d. lang
(save me mp3)

Save me
Save me from you
But pave me
The way to you
Lead me upon the captive free
Gracious and tame like love can be
Lead me upon

Spoil me
Spoil me with you
And sell me with the world of you
Watch over me with a mother's eyes
Judging my worth only to glorify
Watch over me

Save me save me
Save me save me
Carry
Carry me through
And bury all my doubts of you
Clothe my desire with spell or prayer
I'll shroud every sign of need I swear
Clothe my desire

Save me save me
Save me save me
Save me save me
Save me save me

how will you go

2009-01-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

Listening to Crowded House:

How Will You Go
by Crowded House
(mp3)

scape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

I fell over on the couch again
But you know not all sleep is wasted
Your dreams are alcohol inspired
I can't find a better way to face it

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

And you know, I'll be fine
Just don't ask me how it's going
Gimme time, gimme time
'Cos I want you to see
'Round the world, 'round the world
Is a tangled up necklace of pearls

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

my new year's resolutions

2009-01-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

1. be good
2. work out
3. avoid making the same mistakes
4. lighten up :)
5. create more music
6. enjoy being 38 (ooo my birthday is coming up!)

i love portishead

2008-12-31T00:29:00.000-08:00

Someone new is following me on twitter. That person has a Portishead video which started playing when I went to their site.

watch the video

We suffer everyday, what is it for
These crowns of illusion, are fooling us all
And now I am weary and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

The size of our fight, it's just a dream
We've crushed everything I can see, in this morning selfishly
How we've failed and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

Now that we've chosen to take all we can
The shade of autumn, a stale bitter end
Years of frustration lay down side by side

And it's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart
It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

solstice 2008

2008-12-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

I got up before dawn (which is easy to do in winter) and drove to SF to watch the sun rise. As I drove across the bridge, I felt a smile emerge. It's good to be up early!

iTunes obliged with several songs around dawn/day/light/:

Beautiful Dawn by the Wailing Jennys (video)
Today by Talk Talk (video)
Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park (video)
Persistance of Memory by Afro Celt Soundsystem (video)
Half-Life by Duncan Sheik (video)
Ya Viene El Sol by Ozomatli (video)

I arrived in SF and pulled over on the Embarcadero at 722 am, exactly when the sunrise was supposed to occur. I walked out on the pier next to Red's Java House, and saw that the cloud bank to the south was obscuring the dawn. Would the sun emerge in time for me to see it?

I sat at the end of the pier and thought about those early Pagans who would await the sun on the solstice. I thought about the darkness in my life over the past couple years. I decided I was ready for the light to come back to me.

The sun rose, shining brighter than I ever remember. It made me happy. I turned, and headed back to my car to drive to work.

Its a new day. I am ready. And the light has returned.

my son's grasp on the english language...

2008-12-19T14:16:00.001-08:00

So here is how my conversation with Sky went this morning:

sky: "that hurt my weiner"
me: "you know the right word for it, right?"
sky: "yeah... penis... just like an(us)... asshole"
me: "skyler are you supposed to be using that language?"
sky: "well i didnt call YOU an asshole!"

at this point, I had to cover my face and mouth with my hands to keep him from hearing/seeing me laugh.

i found out later that he learned that word at his dad's house. whew!

music: alt 80s tribute night

2008-12-17T07:32:00.000-08:00

I saw Japanese Baby (Cure tribute band) and Reptile House (Sisters of Mercy tribute band) at the Stork Club last night with my friend and music partner, Rip Reed. It was super fun; I would definitely see them again. Also kicked butt on the one game of pool I played (yeah! still got it! ;)

Here are some clips from the show:

Japanese Baby #1
Japanese Baby #2
Japanese Baby #3
Japanese Baby #4

Reptile House #1
Reptile House #2

Find out more:
Japanese Baby myspace page
Reptile House myspace page

nightmare

2008-12-08T04:11:00.000-08:00

i'm walking along the side of the freeway. and part of me realizes that this is a very odd thing. i mean, how did i get here? i would never do this. cars are going past me, very very close. one car is almost hits me; its is full of these angry men, thugs. they stop the car, come after me with baseball bats. they are going to hurt me.

i run, down the freeway off-ramp (it was so close, why didn't i get off before?) I am barely ahead of them, but then i turn a corner, go into this little cul de sac. i'm sobbing "they are going to kill me!" and this nice older man and his wife take me inside their house. all of a sudden i am transformed. they will not recognize you now, he assures me. but i think to myself "i havent changed enough".

there is something about this place that makes me never want to leave. my car magically pulls into the driveway of a house near the nice couple's. next to the car port there is another open area with a roof. on top of the roof is a tent, which i see through a hole in the roof. it is raining and rain is pouring through the hole. but the tent is just open, i think. i could close it, and it would be pretty cozy up there.

the walls of the room downstairs become insulated. its the house working its magic. or maybe its just me, making this into my very own sanctuary. i have a much younger sister, suddenly, and she wants to stay. "ive never had a real mom and dad!" the nice older couple hug us as if we are their long lost daughters. we decide to go for a picnic. nothing could go wrong.

we step outside the house, and i look next door. there are the men. they live here, and one of them, who is mute, has recognized me. he grunts wildly, getting the attention of his gang members. i run to my new family, hoping against all odds that the rest of them dont see me.

but they do, and i hear them running behind me. this time they WILL kill me. i am running over grassy knolls, sobbing "they found me!" my new found father figure stops, turns, prepares to meet them head on. I know in an instant what he means to do. He will assume my likeness, and they willl beat him to death. "NO!" i try to yell, but it comes out a whisper. they are getting closer, i cannot do anything.

and then i wake up

passing on my love of music to my son

2008-12-04T12:09:00.001-08:00

I've been wanting to get Sky into some musical lessons for the last year or so. Now I finally have the brain power to think about this and get it in our schedule. He initially wanted to play guitar, and I'm wondering if that is too advanced for him (he is 6). I want to foster a life-long love of music in him, and I don't want to frustrate him early on.

I read this article which seemed to present a lot of different opinions, good perspectives:
http://ask.metafilter.com/89630/Help-me-pick-the-best-first-instrument-for-a-very-small-6-year-old

Looks like my options are:
1. kid's size guitar (hopefully good enough quality to keep for a while)
2. ukulele (same tuning, smaller, easier to play)

I just bought a mandolin (why? it was a deal, and I'm sure I'll find some use for it). I could get him on that, but apparently it is tuned like a violin, which I don't know if it would be confusing or not.

I have a keyboard at home as well, which is another option. I think what I am going to do is dedicate some time to play around on different instruments and see which one he is more inclined to pick up. I welcome any thoughts on this!

You Wouldn't Like Me

2008-12-02T15:33:00.001-08:00

Listening to a coworker's iTunes album, doing mindless work. This song made me smile:

You Wouldn't Like Me
by Tegan and Sara

There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak and write
A new broken song?
Do I push it down?
Or let it run me right into the ground?

Oh I, I feel like
I wouldn't like me if I met me

Well I can't stop talking for fear
Of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and
Honestly, it's bringing me down

Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

And don't you worry, there's still time
Don’t you worry, there’s still time

There’s nothing to live for
When I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in
Hopes that the glare will bring you around

I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time

Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I won't say that I'll love you forever

so very thankful

2008-11-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

What a lovely Thanksgiving Day I had today! My favorite guy and I took our time getting out of bed (he woke up, rolled over, and said "read, mama"). We went to get D and drove down to my folk's house. My mom and dad, uncle and grandfather, sister and her husband, my niece and nephew were all there. We had good food and good conversation. We lingered over seconds. We played Fuller Family Bingo with the kids. We sat around yakking until we were all ready for naps.

I took D home to Alameda, and the three of us ended up playing soccer together in the park near his house. Lots of running around, lots of laughter. At the end my little guy wanted to stay with his dad. They had a talk, and we walked back to my car. The two of us drove home, watched the Spiderwick Chronicles, then did our usual bed time routine. I managed to practice cello and put away a ton of laundry while he was in the bath.

It is just so lovely to spend time together as a family. I think the three of us are finally settling in to this new family arrangement. And that is such a relief!! :)

the Language of Birds & the Extra Action Marching Band

2008-11-23T21:06:00.001-08:00

When I have the day to myself, I tend to get a bit restless. So I headed out to SF to catch the unveiling of an art installation called "the Language of Birds" by Brian Goggins and Dorka Keen, on the corner of Broadway and Columbus.

It was great to be out and to be present at the unveiling of a new urban art piece. There was live music (didn't catch the first band's name) consisting of a string quartet and a pair of singers. Former mayor Willie Brown was present, as were several City officials.

The art piece itself was a combination of words in the pavement (taken from about 90 books reflecting the cultural heritage of both North Beach and Chinatown) and lighted books suspended from wires above, open like birds taking flight. The piece is amazing, technically and visually. It uses LED lights, running on an array of solar panels on the roof of the City Lights bookstore, and has a net zero carbon footprint.

Dorka said in her speech "The language of birds teaches us about the mysteries of life, and unveils the truth". She talked about reconnecting to that wisdom, having that reminder on our streets.

The unveiling of the piece was tricky. Each book was covered in black cloth, with a strap and metal ring hanging down. Each book had to be uncovered separately. The lovely ladies of the Extra Action Marching Band did their best to unconver the art, but there were a couple of snags. The cover of one of the highest books got caught on the book itself. The artist, Brian Goggins, climbed an impossibly high ladder (to the baited breath of the audience) to wrest the cloth from the piece.

Afterwards, the Extra Action Marching Band had an impromptu dance party in a little niche off of Columbus. Here are some clips from their performance:

extra-action-1-nov23.aiff
extra-action-2-nov23.aiff
extra-action-3-nov23.aiff

Good time was had by all. And I am glad I went!

nothing to see here

2008-11-22T12:27:00.001-08:00

Another relaxing day at the house. Sky is watching a movie while I take a peek at FB. You know, I can quit anytime I want to.

Yeah.

music: aurora borealis

2008-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm hosting my nephew for a sleepover. The boys are downstairs playing while the muffins we made together are cooling. On iTunes, I am playing the mix CD I made for D's 40th birthday. I haven't listened to these in about a year. Right now, C.W. McCall is playing. Its a great spoken word bit, totally in contrast to his big hit "Convoy". Very reflective and a bit profound.

Aurora Borealis
by C.W. McCall
(dowmload MP3)

One night last summer we were camped at ten thousand feet up where the air is
clear, high in the Rockies of Lost Lake, Colorado. And as the fire burned low
and only a few glowing embers remained, we laid on our backs all warm in our
sleeping bags and looked up at the stars.

And as I felt myself falling into the vastness of the Universe, I thought about
things, and places, and times.

I thought about the time my grandma told me what to say when I saw the evening
star. You know, Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I
may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

The air is crystal-clear up here; that's why you can see a million stars.

I remember a time a bunch of us were in a canyon of the Green River in Wyoming;
it was a night like this. And we had our rafts pulled up on the bank an' turned
over so we could sleep on 'em, and one of the guys from New York said, "Hey!
Look at the smog in the sky! Smog clear out here in the sticks!" And somebody
said, "Hey, Joe, that's not smog; that's the Milky Way."

Joe had never seen the Milky Way.

And we saw the Northern Lights once, in the Bitterroot Mountains of Montana.
They're like flames from some prehistoric campfire, leaping and dancing in the
sky and changing colors. Red to gold, and blue to violet... Aurora Borealis.
It's like the equinox, the changing of the seasons. Summer to fall, young to
old, then to now. And then tomorrow...

And then everyone was asleep, except me. And as I saw the morning star come up
over the mountains, I realized that life is just a collection of memories. And
memories are like starlight: they go on forever.

lovely day. new music!

2008-11-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Had a very nice morning with my favorite guy :) then he came with me to my cello lesson, where I played everything in Book 1. I'm on to Book 2!! I faced off with a 6.5 year old cello player (my teacher's daughter) and didn't do too shabbily. Although at the end, she told my son "I play better than your mom" Jeez, its a good thing I don't have any ego attached to my cello playing ;)

Then there was the blessingway for Christine, which was so lovely! Nice being surrounded by all the beautiful women in my community.

I took myself to Amoeba Music, where I bought too many CDs. I was really all over the map this time:

Sigu Ros: Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust
Iron & Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days
Linkin Park: Miles to Midnight
Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory
Peter Bjorn and John: Writer's Block
Delerium: the Best of
Sarah McLauchlan: afterglow
Emiliana Torrini: Me and Armini
Shiny Toy Guns: Season of Poison
Thom Yorke: The Eraser
The Pixies: Doolittle

this is just a tribute

2008-11-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

I can't explain why I like Tenacious D. I mean, I like it because they are both actually talented musicians, plus the music totally pokes fun of and at the same time honors heavy metal music.

Tribute is my favorite song by them, and a great song overall. The video is one of my top 10 favorite videos of all time. Seriously. Must be watched to be believed. The first time I laughed so hard, I almost choked.

Tribute video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcJwz7wu8_s

I'm usually so serious about music. This is a nice break from all that :)

right speech, and what it means to me

2008-11-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

Recently (today) I had an invaluable opportunity to reflect on right speech. I got an email today that pushed all my buttons, pressed me beyond my sphere of being kind, compassionate, and rational. It provoked me in a way that I RARELY get provoked. Usually I can see both sides, and can empathize with what someone is saying. I try really hard to get beyond my own filters and my own way of seeing the world to appreciate what someone has to teach me.

This email tested the boundaries of acceptance and compassion, and also tested my ability to stand my ground and to make a boundary that I feel is right for me and for my son. This email was on the heels of another she had sent earlier: one that sent me into a complete tailspin of anger and confusion and defensiveness. I couldn't even respond to the first email, I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to say the right thing, but knew that in my state of anger that I would not be able to remain objective, calm, and rational.

Today's email came when I was just about to write a reply of conciliation and understanding. I had planned to write an email that would be a bridge across worlds; I would not even respond to the original email point-by-point, because I felt that would be a trap into defensiveness and divisiveness. And so when today's email came in, I reacted. I reacted in a way that honored my anger, but also was thought-out enough to be right, for me. I had spent a lot of time composing a reply to the original email in my head. I had never committed this reply to type because every time I thought to do so, I started boiling in a storm of anger.

I reacted with anger, but kept in mind this: "What is the goal that I am trying to accomplish with my communication?" I knew that I would not "win" this argument. My goal was not to change her mind or make her accept the things that I have done. My goal was not to show her she was wrong. My goal was to challenge her point of view, to point out why I could not accept it. It was not to make her wrong, it was to point out our considerable differences. She thought I meant to shame her. She could not have been farther from the truth.

In the end, I had to accept the fact that she will not accept responsibility for the feelings she has caused not only in me, but in the online community we share. She will not accept the fact that I no longer feel safe to post freely. She will not feel more compassion for me. And I accept this as who she is in this moment, and I am not attached to her changing in the future.

But I feel good having said what I needed to say, to meet her attack with a boundary, that she cannot continue to treat me this way. I will not spend time with her, nor will my son, if I have any say. Its not out of malice, but out of a need for safety.

I feel clear about that.

I was bullied as a child, to the point of suffering trauma. I will no longer stand by and allow myself to be trampled as I was when I was a child. She has every right to her opinion, as misguided as I may think it to be (who am I to judge?). I honor her experience that has lead her to these conclusions, this action. I just WILL NOT stand by and take it any longer.

And in this moment, I feel, not a self-righteousness, but a RIGHTNESS.

cautiously optimistic

2008-11-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit up and down lately. Well, maybe more than a bit, and perhaps more down than up. Today, though, I'm feeling strangely upbeat. Life is a little bit lighter. I don't feel so damn serious about everything. Its all going to work out.

"cautiously optimistic"... I think that's a good term for how I feel today. Alright!

i'm an adult now

2008-11-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

Thought of this song today, sign of the times, I guess:

I'm Adult Now
by the Pursuit of Happiness
(mp3)

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I got my own reasons to drink now
I think I'll call my dad up and invite him!
I can sleep in till noon any time I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult, it's no cliche, it's the truth

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people, they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl
More like man tries to understand out what the Hell went wrong
(ed: this is SO me)

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I got the problems of an adult now
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now, I'm adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals
Like some cheese-eating high school boy

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch
Of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing
Who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Whoaah!

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoudlers
I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now

wish i had more single girlfriends

2008-11-10T12:30:00.000-08:00

Almost every woman I know is married or otherwise hooked up. Not that there is anything wrong with that ;) Just would be nice to have more single girlfriends to share stories from the front lines of dating, or swap notes about the single life.

BTW: It looks like I will be legally single very soon. So happy that is moving along.

healing isn't linear

2008-11-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Feeling out of sorts today. Can't seem to focus. Worried about things in my life. At least I don't have to worry about the election any more; what's done is done!

I feel compelled to shut down, or to act out. I don't like being open, vulnerable. Why do I feel raw? Its been so long, I should be fine by now! Make it stop. I want to get off...

And I haven't even gotten started yet. This is just a little taste.

Sigh. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its my hormones. Perhaps its the upcoming wedding, that all of a sudden I am dreading.

There is nothing to do in this space. Just breathe, relax, and let go.