lovely day. new music!

Had a very nice morning with my favorite guy :) then he came with me to my cello lesson, where I played everything in Book 1. I'm on to Book 2!! I faced off with a 6.5 year old cello player (my teacher's daughter) and didn't do too shabbily. Although at the end, she told my son "I play better than your mom" Jeez, its a good thing I don't have any ego attached to my cello playing ;)

Then there was the blessingway for Christine, which was so lovely! Nice being surrounded by all the beautiful women in my community.

I took myself to Amoeba Music, where I bought too many CDs. I was really all over the map this time:

Sigu Ros: Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust
Iron & Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days
Linkin Park: Miles to Midnight
Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory
Peter Bjorn and John: Writer's Block
Delerium: the Best of
Sarah McLauchlan: afterglow
Emiliana Torrini: Me and Armini
Shiny Toy Guns: Season of Poison
Thom Yorke: The Eraser
The Pixies: Doolittle

this is just a tribute

I can't explain why I like Tenacious D. I mean, I like it because they are both actually talented musicians, plus the music totally pokes fun of and at the same time honors heavy metal music.

Tribute is my favorite song by them, and a great song overall. The video is one of my top 10 favorite videos of all time. Seriously. Must be watched to be believed. The first time I laughed so hard, I almost choked.

Tribute video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcJwz7wu8_s

I'm usually so serious about music. This is a nice break from all that :)

right speech, and what it means to me

Recently (today) I had an invaluable opportunity to reflect on right speech. I got an email today that pushed all my buttons, pressed me beyond my sphere of being kind, compassionate, and rational. It provoked me in a way that I RARELY get provoked. Usually I can see both sides, and can empathize with what someone is saying. I try really hard to get beyond my own filters and my own way of seeing the world to appreciate what someone has to teach me.

This email tested the boundaries of acceptance and compassion, and also tested my ability to stand my ground and to make a boundary that I feel is right for me and for my son. This email was on the heels of another she had sent earlier: one that sent me into a complete tailspin of anger and confusion and defensiveness. I couldn't even respond to the first email, I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to say the right thing, but knew that in my state of anger that I would not be able to remain objective, calm, and rational.

Today's email came when I was just about to write a reply of conciliation and understanding. I had planned to write an email that would be a bridge across worlds; I would not even respond to the original email point-by-point, because I felt that would be a trap into defensiveness and divisiveness. And so when today's email came in, I reacted. I reacted in a way that honored my anger, but also was thought-out enough to be right, for me. I had spent a lot of time composing a reply to the original email in my head. I had never committed this reply to type because every time I thought to do so, I started boiling in a storm of anger.

I reacted with anger, but kept in mind this: "What is the goal that I am trying to accomplish with my communication?" I knew that I would not "win" this argument. My goal was not to change her mind or make her accept the things that I have done. My goal was not to show her she was wrong. My goal was to challenge her point of view, to point out why I could not accept it. It was not to make her wrong, it was to point out our considerable differences. She thought I meant to shame her. She could not have been farther from the truth.

In the end, I had to accept the fact that she will not accept responsibility for the feelings she has caused not only in me, but in the online community we share. She will not accept the fact that I no longer feel safe to post freely. She will not feel more compassion for me. And I accept this as who she is in this moment, and I am not attached to her changing in the future.

But I feel good having said what I needed to say, to meet her attack with a boundary, that she cannot continue to treat me this way. I will not spend time with her, nor will my son, if I have any say. Its not out of malice, but out of a need for safety.

I feel clear about that.

I was bullied as a child, to the point of suffering trauma. I will no longer stand by and allow myself to be trampled as I was when I was a child. She has every right to her opinion, as misguided as I may think it to be (who am I to judge?). I honor her experience that has lead her to these conclusions, this action. I just WILL NOT stand by and take it any longer.

And in this moment, I feel, not a self-righteousness, but a RIGHTNESS.

cautiously optimistic

I've been a bit up and down lately. Well, maybe more than a bit, and perhaps more down than up. Today, though, I'm feeling strangely upbeat. Life is a little bit lighter. I don't feel so damn serious about everything. Its all going to work out.

"cautiously optimistic"... I think that's a good term for how I feel today. Alright!

i'm an adult now

Thought of this song today, sign of the times, I guess:

I'm Adult Now
by the Pursuit of Happiness
(mp3)

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I got my own reasons to drink now
I think I'll call my dad up and invite him!
I can sleep in till noon any time I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult, it's no cliche, it's the truth

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people, they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl
More like man tries to understand out what the Hell went wrong
(ed: this is SO me)

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I got the problems of an adult now
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now, I'm adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals
Like some cheese-eating high school boy

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch
Of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing
Who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Whoaah!

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoudlers
I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now

wish i had more single girlfriends

Almost every woman I know is married or otherwise hooked up. Not that there is anything wrong with that ;) Just would be nice to have more single girlfriends to share stories from the front lines of dating, or swap notes about the single life.

BTW: It looks like I will be legally single very soon. So happy that is moving along.

healing isn't linear

Feeling out of sorts today. Can't seem to focus. Worried about things in my life. At least I don't have to worry about the election any more; what's done is done!

I feel compelled to shut down, or to act out. I don't like being open, vulnerable. Why do I feel raw? Its been so long, I should be fine by now! Make it stop. I want to get off...

And I haven't even gotten started yet. This is just a little taste.

Sigh. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its my hormones. Perhaps its the upcoming wedding, that all of a sudden I am dreading.

There is nothing to do in this space. Just breathe, relax, and let go.

i don't care if you don't and i don't want it if you don't

"Let me take your hands, I'm shaking like milk..."

Ahhhhh I forgot how much I like the Cure. One of my favorite songs is 10:15 Saturday Night. The lyrics are so-so, but the song itself is great.

There are others, lots of others. I'll have to post up some MP3s.